A letter to my son.

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Dear Rhyse,

At some point in your life, we will fight with each other. You will get mad at me and say things you don’t mean, like most kids/teenagers do. And when that times comes, I want you to remember that no matter what I will always love you. My love for you runs much deeper than just the skin. While I may not ever be able to make you fully understand how much I love you, know that nothing you do will ever change that. At times throughout your life it’s going to feel like I’m just trying to be mean, or that I am treating you unfairly, but everything and every decision I make is in your best interests. I apologize in advance for the fights we are going to have. But remember, I’ve been there. Your Nonni and I didn’t always see eye to eye, but just like she did for me, ill protect you even when you don’t understand why I’m doing the things I’m doing. I hope that one day you’ll understand that.

Love you always,

Mom

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Do what works for you.

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rhyse

From day one, I’ve been told that as a parent, you do what works best for you and your child. But, since having had my son, everyone feels the need to tell me how I need to be doing things or what I am supposed to do or not do.

Uhm, correct me if I’m wrong, but the last time I checked, babies didn’t come with an instruction manual. Unless I just overlooked the copy of “Raising a Baby for Dummies” in my local book store? By all means share your advice or experiences, but PLEASE do not tell me what I need to be doing or how I need to be doing things. I spend 98% of my time with my son, aside from the 5 minuets I take for myself to shower daily during which time he is usually asleep, and even then I walk around with a baby monitor permanently attached to me like I’ve grown another appendage.

I know that all the advice is coming from a good place, but I guess I just feel like there is a better way to go about it or say whatever it is that you have to say. I’m one of those parents who firmly believes in letting your child “cry it out” sometimes. In my opinion, if I chose to run and pick up my screaming child every time he decided he wanted to cry, it would create a habit. And to a certain extent it already has. Even at almost 6 weeks old, my son has started to develop this terrible habit. He can have a full stomach, clean/dry diaper, be snuggled up in his favorite blanket and for no apparent reason, start pitching a t-total fit just because. Some people say it’s simply because he just wants to feel your touch or be comforted, but if I have been holding him and set him down because I need to do something, and he starts pitching a fit he will start screaming and crying for a solid 2 or 3 minutes, then he’ll stop. He will get real quiet and wait… then if you don’t pick him up, he will do it again. And sure enough, once you pick him up…he stops.

Sometimes, yes, I understand that holding him just because is a good thing. It gives me time to bond with him, and play with him, and I absolutely love my snuggle time with him, but other times I feel like its probably a good thing to let him cry some. I feel like in the long run he wont cry and expect me to drop everything I’m doing to run and pick him up. Bad habits are hard to break, and that is one we will never establish to begin with.

Any similar experiences or opinions?

Living in the doldrums.

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Okay, so maybe this whole blogging thing isn’t really for me. I am so scatterbrained, that it is almost impossible for me to remember to blog considering I’ve got 1000 other things going on. But with a new year comes change, right?

Since I haven’t posted anything since August, let me get you up to speed on my crazy, hectic life. Unbeknownst to many of you at the time of my last post, I was pregnant. Since then I am happy to report that I have had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. And boy has it been a crazy ride so far.

While my pregnancy was, for the most part, picture perfect, my emotions definitely got the best of me during those nine very long months. Life has kind of become a whirlwind of emotions for me in the last couple of months, partly because I was pregnant, and partly because, well, life hasn’t exactly been as great as I had imagined it being. I think I’ve kind of reached a place in my life where I just feel stuck. Almost as if i’m just going through the motions of day to day life, with no real direction or long term plan. Other than raising my son of course. Upon graduating high school, I would’ve sworn to you that I had everything I wanted to do and accomplish planned out, but now I am so far from that plan, that I couldn’t possibly even begin to tell you how to get myself back on track. One could say i’m currently living in the doldrums. It’s almost as if I have lost sight of who I am. Aside from saying “My name is Briana. I’m my mother’s child. Hard headed and strong willed, and the mother to a beautiful baby boy”, who am I?

I find myself asking this question over and over. Day in a day out, hoping to reconnect with who I really am. Recently I started reading Fresh Air by Chris Hodges, who just so happens to be the pastor of my church, Church of the Highlands here in Birmingham, AL. If I’m being completely honest, he is the reason that I’ve started this quest that I am on. After hearing so many of his wonderful sermons, I began to question where I am in my life and where I’m going. But in order to do that, I have realized that there are a lot of questions I’ve got to get answered. In order to know where you’re going in life, you’ve got to have a plan and know your purpose. And currently, I know none of that.

I figured the first step would be to get myself back in church. Which I have done. I have started to attend Church of the Highlands on a regular basis and am soon planning on being baptized and officially joining the church. After that, I will be dedicating my son to the church as well. Secondly, I have set in motion my return to school. Hopefully I will have everything I need taken care of by the time the fall semester starts, so I can get my head back in the books.

With all this being said, I am hoping to finally start getting the answers to some of the questions I have in my life, and hope to finally know my purpose and have a plan. I guess I can thank my son’s arrival for all of this madness going on inside of my head. I just don’t feel like I would be able to effectively raise a child if I have no plan or purpose for my life. After all, we are supposed to lead by example. So I guess I should at least set a good one, right?

Enough of the rambling for tonight. Sleep tight all.

Looking towards the future

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So, I have decided that with all of the intense life changes I have going on at the present time, a blog would be a good way to channel all of my thoughts and energy. Plus, it gets me off of the main stream media sites a little. While I’m not ready to let my newest news be completely public, let’s just say, God has big things planned for my life, and soon.

Recently, my boyfriend of 5 years and I went through a rough patch. And when I say rough patch I mean, apparently this isn’t going to work and maybe we should try to go our separate ways, rough patch. But, nevertheless, after a short break and only talking a few times here and there, I came to the realization that being apart is not what I wanted, even though originally I had pretty much convinced myself that was what needed to happen. I’ll leave out all the messy details about what happened, but the statement “distance makes the heart grow fonder” could not be more true in our situation. While he never really wanted the break to begin with, I had convinced myself that it was for the best. And, ultimately, I think it has made us stronger. Much stronger. We have reached a place now where we are able to talk about everything, and arguing is not an issue. I think this was part of the transitioning stage from teenage relationship to an adult one, because now it is almost as if we never even took time apart. Being away from someone gives you the opportunity to realize one of two things. Either a.) you can live without them, and might be better off starting over or b.) clearly this person is meant to be a part of your life, and living without them just isn’t in the books for you. 

Needless to say, the latter of the two has become apparent in our case. It’s a funny thing, love. Growing up you think you know it all about relationships and more often than not, by the time you graduate high school you’ve fallen in and out of love multiple times. But then again, others meet their “high school sweetheart” and that person sticks with them. Clearly, in said cases, there are greater things planned for those two people. Luckily, I have been fortunate enough to say that I am one of the lucky few.

January will mark 6 year ago that I started dating Chance. I’ve known him since I was a freshman in high school. He first introduced himself to me and my best friend at the time, by finding his way to a seat between us, in the school lunch room on our first day of high school. At the time, we thought nothing of the curly headed boy who introduced himself to us, other than he was cute. It was all down hill from there. And ever since, there’s been something about him that has stuck with me. From picking on me in the bus tunnel and bus rides home, to our JROTC adventures, to him taking me to senior prom.

I’d say, I’m a pretty lucky girl to have him in my corner. So, here’s to our future. It’s going to be one wild ride.